Baby Noah Cooksey  Dear Noah, It had been a little over 5 months since your sister, Carina, had gone home to be with Jesus and mommy was growing very anxious about when our second baby would be on the way. Since starting to "try again", I had been going in for ultrasounds and HCG injections every month. It was the week of July 4th, and with people taking extra days off to celebrate, my routine ultrasound would require a visit to the hospital. Daddy and I had a chance to spend the night at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs; it's a beautiful resort that has a private fireworks display. After careful thought, we decided that what we really needed was some time away, so we decided to skip the ultrasound and shot. We would take a little break and try again next month. A couple of weeks later, I came home from work on a Friday afternoon, on the porch was a box of baby formula. The formula company had sent it, because according to their records I should be having a baby in a few weeks. At first, I was angry, why did this have to show up? But then I thought . . .maybe it's a sign!! Your Uncle Jeff and Uncle Dave were coming into town that night to celebrate your Grandma Dearing's 65th birthday. This would be perfect. Maybe the formula was a sign that I was supposed to take a pregnancy test, so that I could share the good news with daddy's family while they were in town. I, of course, had one on hand, so I ran upstairs to take it. Three minutes later . . . negative . . . I should have known; I wasn't pregnant. The next day we celebrated your Grandma's birthday. We spent the day in the mountains, did a little bowling and went to your Daddy's softball game that night. Daddy hit a home run!! Everyone said it was for his mom’s birthday, but I think it was for you! The whole weekend mommy felt so tired . . . every time we'd get in the car, I'd fall asleep. What was that all about? Monday morning, I just didn't feel quite right . . . reluctantly, I decided to take another pregnancy test. I just about fell over when I saw a positive result. I was so excited to tell your daddy, that once again, I just blurted out the good news. One of these times, I'm gonna actually keep my mouth shut and do something special. We were both in hurry to get out the door to work, so we decided we would invite Grandma and Grandpa Beyers to have dinner with us, so we could share the good news; but it would be a long time till dinner . . .and I had to tell someone. Your Aunt Wendy was the perfect choice, true to form she squealed in the phone when she heard the good news; but I decided that I would wait to tell the rest of the family until after I had talked to your Grandma and Grandpa. The problem was, that it was just too much fun sharing the good news. It didn't take much debating with myself before I was on the phone to all my friends, Cindy, Ann, Lisa, Stephanie, Kim, Angela & Laurie. Lisa and I calculated your due date . . .March 30th, right before Easter. Perfect! I knew exactly how I would tell your Grandma Beyers. I decided that I would get her an Easter basket and enclose a card that would explain she was going to need another basket this year. Every year she fills an Easter basket full of goodies for each of her kids and grandkids, you would have loved your Grandma Beyers, she is such a fun grandma, planning special days and buying beanie babies! Anyway, back to the story. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find an Easter basket in July! After much searching I finally found one at Holiday Fantasies, and as luck would have it… I actually had some Easter grass at home. I also found the cutest Boyd's Bunny, I just had to get it for you! He's off-white, with big floppy ears and he's holding a green and yellow blanket. When I got it home, I realized that it matched Carina's Teddy Bear… they look so cute sitting side by side on mommy and daddy's bed. I also stopped at Babies-R-Us; I just couldn't help myself. I walked up and down every aisle and wondered where on earth would I put all this stuff. I found an adorable little outfit, it was actually designed by John Lennon which I thought was really strange… number one, he's an old rock star from the Sixties and secondly, he's dead. Oh well, it’s adorable, none the less. It's white with little yellow and orange zoo animals all over it, and the most important part. . . it has a matching blanket, you know how important it is to accessorize. Later that night we met Grandma and Grandpa at Red Robin for dinner, I managed to sneak the Easter basket in with out it being noticed. After we ordered, I told Grandma that I had picked up a B-prize for her, she was a little perplexed as to why I was giving her an Easter basket in the middle of July, but I was quick to explain that she was going to need one for the new baby. Grandma and Grandpa were very excited to hear that you were on the way!! I told them that I had thought about ordering pickles and ice cream but I wasn't sure they would pick up on it, and I didn't want to get stuck with having to really eat pickles and ice cream for dinner. On the way home, I called the rest of the family!! I didn't even wait till we got home! I called from the cell phone! Uncle Gene and Aunt Vickie had taken Jordan and Preston to Disney Land for some fun in the sun so I had to call their cell phone and leave a message. It turned out to be a good deal for you, Aunt Vickie, brought you a baby Mickey Mouse all the way from Disneyland. He's so precious! After I talked to your Uncle Mick and Aunt Therese, daddy took over and called his family, Grandpa Cooksey, Grandma and Grandpa Dearing, Uncle Jeff and we left a message for your Uncle Dave. The next day I had to go in for a blood test, they wanted to measure my HCG and progestrone levels. Then on Thursday it was back for another blood test, if everything was going according to plan the numbers should double. Friday they called and said the numbers had more than doubled!! Way to go, we were off to a great start. After Carina died, I had the opportunity to be a part of a ministry team that was planning a Pregnancy loss Seminar. On Thursday afternoon we had a planning meeting where I got to share the good news with the group. Having all suffered the loss of children they were absolutely thrilled for me and my new baby. On the following Monday it was back to the doctor for the routine first visit. Just like before I got a big bag stuffed full of goodies, I spent several hours on the couch going through all the fun stuff they had given me. I just love being pregnant, it's so much fun!! On Wednesday, we were scheduled to have our first ultrasound. They had warned me that there might not be much to look at, you were only 5 ½ weeks old, but I was still hoping to get a little glimpse of you. I must admit, I was a little disappointed, you were still so small we couldn't see you, but we could see the gestational sac and it looked perfect! Another hurdle crossed!! On August 10th, we had a dedication service for the tree we planted in honor of your sister. Both sets of the Grandparents came, as well as Pastor Tim and his wife, Jane. Typical of Colorado weather it had started to rain pretty hard just before everyone was to show up. We decided to go ahead and have dinner first while we waited for the rain to stop. When Pastor prayed for the meal he asked for a little break in the weather. And wouldn't you know it, God answered our prayer and it stopped raining just long enough for us to go outside and have Carina's service. As Pastor prayed, he made a point to thank God for bringing you into our lives and to ask for His protection over you. On August 13th, Carina's actual due date, daddy and I took the day off and tried to have some fun. My heart ached for Carina, but knowing you were there was such a big comfort. While I loved being pregnant with you, I was really scared that we might have to say goodbye way too soon. I found myself journaling and praying on a regular basis regarding my fear of having to let you go. On the following Sunday, Pastor preached a message on fear, it felt as if he were talking directly to me. After the service I found pastor and explained that the next morning I would be going back to the doctor's office to try and listen for your heartbeat. Before I could even finish my sentence he said, "that really scares you doesn't it? Immediately, I broke down in tears, he took my face in his hands and said "Cija, don't be scared, everything's going to be just fine. I just know it. God wants to grant the desire of your heart." I felt so much better, I was certain that Pastor's gut feel would be right. I didn't need to worry; everything was going to be just fine. Monday morning, August 20th, your daddy and I headed for Dr. Panter's office. Walking into the ultrasound room, I was overwhelmed with emotions and memories of Jan 12th, the day we discovered that Carina had pasted away. Our eyes were glued to the black screen waiting for the reassurance of a strong heartbeat, but as you came into view we both turned our gaze the other way, we both knew that you were gone. I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest. The room began to spin as I tried to process what I had just seen. I couldn’t believe that I had lost another baby. The ultrasound tech just kept asking me how many weeks I was, she thought maybe I had miscalculated and you were only 5-6 weeks along, but I knew there was no mistake. Dr Panter was on vacation so they had us talk to one of the midwives. She wouldn't come right out and say that you had died, she just kept saying that it didn't look good, but that we would do another ultrasound in a week, to see if there had been any change. As we walked to the car, we know that another ultrasound would be a waste of time. When we got in the car, daddy asked if I just wanted to go home. I asked if we could go to the church, I wanted to see Pastor; I wanted to tell him what had happened. I was relived when I saw his truck in the parking lot, but when we got inside his wife said he was at a staff golf outing. We told her about our loss and she promised to have him call as soon as he got back. When we got home, we called the family to let them know what was going on, it wasn't long before Grandpa Beyers was knocking on the door, and soon after that Wendy showed up. Wendy stayed with me, while Grandpa and daddy went back to the doctor's office to pick up daddy's truck. Grandma Beyers made a trip to the grocery store to make sure we would have plenty of food for the week. Aunt Wendy and Grandma even went on a hunt for Bunny Track's ice cream cause they know it's my favorite. With in just a couple of hours a bouquet of beautiful yellow roses was delivered, the card read "We love you, Pastor Tim and Jane". Not long after that, the phone rang. It was Pastor. He was calling from the golf course. He was crying so hard, that he could hardly talk. He just kept saying, “I'm so sorry Cija. I really thought everything was going to be okay.” Then he asked if he could come over, he said he "just wanted to hug me, like he would one of his own daughters". Around 7:00 that night he came and did just as he said. He was very comforting and I appreciated his visit so much. The following week was very difficult. Your daddy took the week off to stay with me, but it was a very hard week for both of us. We were both so heartbroken and struggled with how to get through; neither one of us, wanted to be letting go of another baby. The following Monday we went back for another ultrasound. This time I didn't take my eyes of the screen, I wanted to get a good look at you, so I could remember . . . Dr. Panter scheduled my surgery for the following Friday, August 31st. I decided to take another week off from work, I just didn’t' want to go back until everything was taken care of. On Wednesday, the Hope Committee was getting together for another planning meeting but I just couldn't bring myself to go. Angela called and asked, if she could come by for a visit; but by the time she arrived, I had started bleeding, although this was to be expected it was very upsetting to me. I called your Aunt Therese to find out what I should do, she came over right away to try and help. Little did I know, that while all this was going on, the ladies on the Hope ministry team were at the altar anointing a baby blanket, for you. That blanket is kept on mommy and daddy's bed with your sister Carina's. I finally got a hold of the doctor around 1:00, she told me to go to the emergency room, and that she would meet me there. Therese offered to drive me, and then stayed with me until your daddy was able to get there. Pastor Fleshman had recently hurt his foot, so Jerry Lester came to they hospital to pray with your daddy and I before the surgery began. Everything went fine and we were on our way home by 8:30 that night. It took us several weeks to come up with your name. On one hand it was just to painful to think about naming another baby we never got to hold; and on the other, nothing seemed quite right. One day, I was on the internet and came across the perfect name… Noah. “Because sometimes it rains.” Immediately I knew the name was perfect, although it had been raining in our home for several months, God protected our little Noah in the midst of the storm. Noah, even though our time together was short you still made your way into our hearts. We love and miss you so very much and wish that you could be here with us. But we trust that God knows what is best for you and I thank God everyday, that he chose me to be your mommy. We will be with you very soon, and you can tell us all about your time in Heaven. In the meantime, take care of your sister, I'm sure that she is thrilled to have her little brother with her, and while our heart aches for both of you, we are truly glad that you are together. We love you, Noah!! Mommy & Daddy used by permission of Rod and Cija Cooksey Sabra's Story