Dear Baby Carina,
On Sunday, December 3rd, Daddy and I were to have a very busy day. There was Sunday School and morning worship followed by orchestra rehearsal, then choir rehearsal, then prayer meeting and the annual Christmas concert in the evening. After the morning service, we went for a quick bite to eat. I had a horrible case of indigestion; daddy just laughed. When I asked him what was so funny he just snickered and said, "Well, I think you're pregnant and it's just going to get worse." I dropped daddy off at Grandma and Grandpa's and I went home to get daddy's forgotten tuxedo.
On the way home, I wondered if Daddy was right, could I be pregnant? I had hoped and prayed for a baby for such a long time and it just seemed impossible that it could be true. As I was driving home, I heard an advertisement for a pregnancy test that claimed it can be taken 4 days earlier than other brands. I thought to myself . . . Hmm… I could take the test today and surprise my family at the concert with the good news. With out a second thought, I darted off to buy the test, but they didn’t have the right brand. I decided to go ahead and pick up an EPT test anyway, but then went to see if Walgreens had the test I had heard about. Success!! The box had two tests so that I could double check the results. I hurried home and took the test. I impatiently waited the 3 minutes, and there was . . .nothing! Not a positive or a negative result, absolutely nothing! Had I done something wrong? Admittedly, I had not read the directions but with my years of experience taking pregnancy tests I hardly thought it necessary. No, this was God’s way of letting me down easy . . . I wasn’t pregnant. I was so disappointed.
I grabbed Daddy’s Tux and cried all the way to church. During choir rehearsal I wrestled with whether or not I should go to prayer meeting. I wanted to go, but I hardly knew these people and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep it together. In the end, I decided I would go. It’s a small group and that particular night, the group consisted of Bill & Karen Gunstream, Stephanie Jaggers and Kim Bryan. I didn’t know Kim personally, but I knew her story, I knew that she had had more than one miscarriage and a stillborn baby named Molly. As I sat there, waiting for things to start I thought to myself at least I’ve never had to lose a baby. I wanted her to know my story. I wanted her to know that I wanted a baby but still after years of trying we weren’t having any luck. I wanted her to pray for me. Although she had suffered greatly, she now had 3 beautiful children, 2 that she had adopted and one of her own.
They started the prayer meeting by asking if anyone had a need they wanted to share. Before I could stop myself I was telling them about my disappointing afternoon. They were so kind, they spent the next hour praying for God to give your Mommy and Daddy a baby of their own. Little did any of us know that you were already here. Their prayers left me feeling so encouraged and so cared about. I decided that, we would just press on and we would try again next month, and when God was ready he would give us a baby.
My period should have started on Monday, but nothing. I wasn’t surprised I had spent many months in the same position. But I didn’t want to lose any time. I wanted to get on with things, get to the next month, so we could try again. So on Tuesday, I decided I would take the 2nd test just to reconfirm everything, so that my body would get on with things. Out of all the tests I have taken over the years, I had never used this brand before, except of course on Sunday. So when there was a very, very faint second line, I didn’t think anything of it - it was nothing but a quirk of this particular brand. So I threw the test in the trash, and told myself "There, you see, you’re not pregnant, now lets get on with next month."
Back in September I had gone to a craft fair where I found the perfect garden sign for Grandma. I decided I would give it to her for Christmas. The sign said, "Welcome, to Grandma and Grandpa’s." I was afraid that when Grandma opened it she might think I was trying to tell her something. In order to avoid an uncomfortable moment, I decided that I would give her a heads up about the gift. On Friday we went to a Christmas concert together and I used that time with her to let her know that I had not gotten pregnant this month and not to read anything into her Christmas gift - there were no hidden meanings.
Sunday, December 10th: Still no period!! I was getting so frustrated! Why wouldn’t it just start, so I could get on with the next month. That’s when I remembered the EPT test. I ran down stairs, it was still on the kitchen table. I would take one more test; I would beat it into my brain that I WAS NOT PREGNANT. "Hmm. . .that’s funny, I’ve taken hundreds of EPT tests and never has it had a faint second line." Furiously I dug through the trash, looking for the instructions. Maybe there would be something in the "Frequently Questions" section that would clear this up.
Number 3 – What if one line is fainter than the other?
Answer: It does not matter if one line is fainter than the other, if there are two lines the result is positive.
POSITIVE!! No way! Really? Can’t be… maybe I should have Rod take a look at this. Daddy was still tucked in as I sat on the bed next to him, handed him the test and said, "So, how many lines do you see?" He of course did not take this assignment lightly. After careful consideration he said "Two. One’s lighter, but there’s definitely two. So? What does that mean?" I held up the directions and calmly said, "Well, according to this, it says it doesn’t matter if one line is fainter than the other, if there are two, the result is positive."
Silence.
It was as if we were afraid to let ourselves realize what we were saying. Were we really pregnant? After a few minutes of debating whether or not it was okay to get excited, it finally hit us. After waiting such a long time, we were going to have a baby. Mommy started to cry, and Daddy just hugged me; we were so excited.
We decided to skip Sunday School. I had decided that when I got pregnant I wanted to tell my family by having them read it in one of my scrapbooks. I would need the time to put the perfect page together. I stamped the background with little blue feet and pink diaper pins. It was so funny . . . when I asked daddy to help me cut out some letters, I handed him the word "BOY" and he looked at me with this shocked expression, "You already know it’s a boy?" He didn’t realize that while he was cutting out the word "Boy" I was cutting out the word "Girl." When the page was done, it read "On December 10th, Rod and Cija found out that they were going to have their first baby. Will it be a BOY or a GIRL?"
We were so excited about our new baby we had to tell someone! So, before we headed off to church we called your Grandpa Cooksey with the good news. We even tried to reach your Uncle Dave and Uncle Jeff, but no luck, we would have to catch them later.
When we got to church we saw your Uncle Glen, Aunt Wendy and your cousin, Crystal. I just couldn’t wait, and ended up blurting out the news. Aunt Wendy hugged Mommy so hard, I thought she was going to break my neck. I looked over at Daddy and I saw tears in his eyes. It was a good day, no . . .it was a great day. I swore Aunt Wendy to secrecy; we were going to ask Grandma & Grandpa to lunch and I didn’t want them finding out about you from some else.
After church we went to J. Alexander’s for lunch, Uncle Gene, Aunt Vickie, and your cousins Jordan, Preston and Bronson were there too. The restaurant didn’t have a table big enough for all of us, so, they seated us at two booths across from each other. Grandma and Grandpa were at one booth, with the two younger boys while Uncle Gene, Aunt Vickie and Jordan were at the other. I asked Preston and Bronson to move for a minute, they groaned and rolled their eyes but I assured them it would only be for a minute, I just wanted my Mom and Dad to see my new scrapbook pages. With slumped shoulders and grunts they reluctantly moved to the other booth. For the first time, I think your Grandma actually read every single word on every single page. It took her forever to get to your page. Finally. I could see that as she read the page on the left, Grandpa was reading the page on the right. He kept reading it over and over again, and then he would glance up at us with a question in his eye. We didn’t want to give anything away until Grandma had read it too, so we just looked back at him. But then Grandma’s head lifted with that same question, we just smiled and nodded our heads. Grandma sobbed with her head bowed as she held mommy’s hands in hers- I imagine she was praying . . .thanking God for such wonderful news.
Then it was time to switch places with the boys, so that Uncle Gene and Aunt Vickie could look at the scrapbook. Aunt Vickie was very excited, while your Uncle Gene wished us his condolences and warned us of all the things to come. (Of course, he was just kidding.) I wasn’t sure if Jordan knew what was happening, he was sitting on the other side of the table. So I piped up and said "Jordan, we gonna have a baby." He just shook his head and said "I know." I spent the rest of lunch bouncing back and forth between the two tables talking about you and how we couldn’t wait to meet you.
Uncle Mick and Aunt Therese had stayed home from church that day. Uncle Mick had a migraine, so, we decided that a Cold Stone (chocolate ice cream with cookie dough and raspberries) delivery was in order. We were on Arapahoe Road just east of Parker Road when we saw Aunt Therese headed in the opposite direction. This was not good, not good at all. We would have to wait for her to get back, before we could share the news. Waiting is not easy. Aunt Therese had gone to pick up lunch. As soon as she got home I was busy trying to get her to look at my scrapbook. Unaware of the exciting news it would tell, she dilly dallied around doing all sorts of things in the kitchen. Finally, I got her to take a look. When she saw your page, she started to cry, and asked me if Mick had seen it yet. When I told her no, she came around the counter, gave me a hug and told me how happy she was for us. Then she took the book to Uncle Mick and asked him to look at it, fortunately the page on the left was of your cousin Madison, so it managed to get his attention. Even with a migraine he was very excited to hear about you.
Our next stop was Jim and Grandma Dearing’s. While watching the Bronco game, Daddy said to them "Well, we do have an ulterior motive in stopping by this afternoon, we found out this morning that we are going to have a baby." Their small group at church had been praying for you to come along and they were excited to let the "Middlers" know they had had another success story.
It wasn’t long and it was time to head back to church for prayer meeting. I was excited to tell them my good news. Just the week before they had prayed and asked God to give us a baby and now I would get to tell them that He had given us you. Karen and Bill weren’t there that night, but Stephanie and Kim were. The first thing I said was "Boy, I’m gonna have you guys pray for me more often… This morning I found out that I’m going to have a baby." Immediately, they were on their feet giving us hugs and telling us congratulations. We spent the next hour thanking God for you and praying for your protection.
We had lots of fun that night, telling everyone about you. Aunt Wendy gave us your first gift that night. It was a little cotton outfit with bears, kittens, lambs and little stars all over it. When I took out of the package I was amazed at how small you would be, and I couldn’t wait for the day when I would get to hold you instead of just your outfit.
Tuesday night we went to the Wellshire Inn with Grandma and Grandpa to celebrate Grandma’s birthday. All night the conversation was about you, and what we would name you. We had thought if you were a boy that we would name you "Jackson Fredrick"; "Jackson", because Mommy likes the name Jack; and "Fredrick" after your Great Grandpas, Fred Beyer and Fred Rigdon. Daddy thought it was silly to even worry about a boy’s name because he was sure that you were a little girl. However, if you were a girl, we weren’t sure about a name. I liked, "Isabell", but Grandpa just said "I like Jackson", and so it was the rest of the night, if someone didn’t like a name they would say "I like Jackson."
Thursday, Mommy had her first doctor’s appointment. It lasted a couple of hours. They did all sorts of test to make sure that you and I were healthy, and they gave me all sorts of pamphlets to read. The nurse that I had was so nice and she mentioned how nice it was to have someone in that wanted to be pregnant. I saw Dr. Panter in the hallway. She wasn’t sure it was me, so she went and checked at the front desk before coming over to wish me congratulations. She also mentioned that she wanted to schedule an ultrasound so that she could find out how many babies I had in my tummy. While I waited for the midwife, I asked the nurse if they did another pregnancy test just to confirm the one I had taken. She told me that they usually don’t, but offered to do one, if I wanted one. I, of course jumped at it, I wanted a professional’s opinion. Within seconds she popped her head in the room and said "You are very pregnant, now stop worrying about it." A few moments later she popped her head in again, and said that you were due on August 13th.
After my doctor’s appointment I went over to Grandma and Grandpa’s house for lunch. They were waiting on pins and needles to hear what the doctor had to say. Your Grandpa wasn’t so sure that we should be putting so much trust into those home pregnancy tests. After I confirmed that I was indeed pregnant they gave me a necklace that I will cherish forever. It’s beautiful blue cameo, of an angel holding a baby. I didn’t realize then just how special that necklace would become.
The next several weeks were filled with so much excitement, as we talked about the nursery, your crib, what to name you, and what you would look like. We were also busy contacting all of our friends to let them know that you were on the way.
On December 17th, our Sunday School Class had their Christmas party. It was so much fun. They had a white elephant gift exchange, that was just hilarious. I stole someone’s gift. It was a bucket of microwave popcorn and a $5 gift certificate to Blockbuster video. It wasn’t long and someone was trying to steal it from me, but Chris Cherryholmes, the guy sitting next to me said "Hey you can’t steal a gift from a pregnant lady." Not wanting to look like a bad guy he took someone else’s gift. Funny thing was, when they got to Chris’s number he stole my gift. Some of the gifts were ridiculous, a broken set of canisters, Diaper Genie refills, and a yellow and blue needle point of an owl. Daddy got the most repulsive candle holder, we both knew there was little chance of it being stolen, but much to our surprise someone actually wanted that candle holder, which meant that your Daddy could either steal someone else’s gift or pick another one from under the tree. With out hesitation he stole the Diaper Genie refills and claimed "I’m sure were going to be needing these!" The whole room filled with laughter.
A week later it was Christmas and of all the gifts I opened my favorites were the one’s that were for you. You got a set of Beatrix Potter books from Aunt Wendy and Uncle Glen, an adorable outfit with blue and yellow elephants from Aunt Therese and Uncle Mick, rattles & a reindeer beanie baby from Grandma and Grandpa, a "Curious Creature" teething ring from Uncle Gene and Aunt Vickie, and a precious little lamb night light from Seth and Madison. Daddy got a box of diapers and mommy got an "Expecting Boyd’s Bear" for my collection.
December 29th was a very exciting day! We got our first look at you! And you were the most beautiful baby we had ever seen! You were 7 weeks and 3 days old. You were 8/10 of a centimeter long, the ultrasound tech referred to you as a grain of rice, but in spite of your little size, you had a heartbeat. You can’t imagine how it made me feel to watch your little heart beating on that monitor. What a miracle! They gave us a picture of you, and all I could do was stare at it, it was amazing. So unbelievable. Daddy had made arrangements to take the whole day off from work, so that we could celebrate! We went to Piccolo’s for lunch then went to two movies, "Castaway" and "Miss Congeniality" and then went to TGIF’s for dinner. When we got home we hung your picture on the refrigerator.
You had changed our whole life, it seemed that all we could talk about was you, and we couldn’t understand when other people would choose other topics for conversation. We came up with a plan for how we would get everything done before your much awaited arrival. We would need to buy a shed for the back yard so that we could clean out the garage. Then we would need to buy cabinets for the garage so that we could clean out the downstairs bedroom. Next we would have to move the office/craft room downstairs so that we could get started on your nursery.
I started looking for the perfect crib set for your room. We had already picked out your crib. It was a white sleigh bed that would go perfect with the rocking chair that Uncle Mick and Aunt Therese had given to us. After looking high and low on the intranet I finally found one that I really liked. It was blue and yellow with little white bunnies. I had thought we might paint the bottom of the walls yellow with a chair rail and a border of little bunnies going around the room.
On January 12th, I had another routine doctor's appointment. Your Daddy met me there because we thought maybe they would try and listen to your heartbeat with the Doppler. Dr. Panter, had been called away to deliver another baby so we had to wait for quite a while. We used the time to consider some other names; we looked through magazines to get some different ideas. Your Daddy was looking at a Sports Illustrated, so the names he was suggesting were a little scary. When Dr. Panter arrived she asked me how I had been feeling, I had lost 4 pounds and she thought it might be due to morning sickness, but I told her that I didn’t think I had been sick enough. I had heard the sicker the mom the healthier the baby. Much to our delight she suggested that we try to hear your heart beat. She didn’t have any luck with the Doppler but assured us that that was nothing to worry about. You were only 9 weeks and 3 days old so they would do an ultrasound instead. Daddy and I were thrilled!! It would be another opportunity to have a look at you. This time you would have little arms and little legs. They wanted to try and external ultrasound so they made me drink lots of water first. When Dr. Panter did the external ultrasound she couldn’t see much, but we weren’t worried you were still pretty small and when she suggested that the other doctor do an internal ultrasound we knew that would work much better.
Much to our dismay, they discovered that your precious little heart had stopped beating. All I could do was stare at the monitor. I kept thinking if they would just magnify you a little more, they would be able to see you better. When the doctor left the room, your Daddy took me in his arms and said "They have to be wrong", but in our hearts we knew they were right. We were devastated. Our precious little one was gone.
Daddy called work and told them that he would need to drive me home. We were in shock… we couldn’t believe this was happening. Daddy said that he never even thought of this as a possibility, and while I had thought about the possibility I never dreamed for a moment that this would happen to you or to us.
When we got home daddy called his parents and I called your Grandma Beyers, who called the rest of the family. Within minutes, your Aunt Wendy and your Grandma and Grandpa Beyers were at the house. Everyone was so sad. Grandpa wept and reminded us of the verse that says all things happen for a reason. Although, we realize that reason may never be understood. Later that night, Uncle Glen and your cousins, Crystal and Bronson came over for dinner. Grandpa bought calzones and pizza for everyone. We also got visits from Cindy, across the street and Uncle Gene and Aunt Vickie tried to stop by, but we missed them because we had to go back to the Doctor’s office to get Daddy’s truck.
That night as I was sleeping I had a dream that I was in Heaven with you, I was watching as Jesus held you. Hearing me cry, He looked up and when He saw me standing in the distance He handed you to a beautiful angel, took me in His arms and held me.
On Sunday, we went to prayer meeting. It was very hard to go, we were so sad but we felt like we needed to spend some time in prayer with our new friends. Kim, Stephanie Challis, and Stephanie & Bryant, were all there to pray for us. It was a sweet hour of tear filled prayers. We were so thankful to have new friends that care so much about us.
It was a very dark and difficult week. Mommy spent hours crying while Daddy held me. You have such wonderful Daddy. He is such a Godly man. He has been supportive and sensitive to my feelings. He has been so strong, and yet he has been so soft when I needed him to be there for me. You would have loved to spend time with him and you would have felt so safe when he held you. I know I do.
We received so many calls, cards and flowers from people who care about us. Our Sunday school class even prepared meals for us. Everyone was so kind.
On the following Friday, January 19th, I had to go in for surgery. I was pretty nervous but mostly I was sad to think that after the surgery you wouldn’t be with me anymore. Kim called the night before and helped me prepare for what was going to happen. Grandma and Grandpa stopped by to bring me some roses. On Friday morning when I reached the hospital I knew that God was doing everything he could to make this as easy as possible. When the nurse came out to get me, she was a lady from church, it was so nice to have someone who really cared about me and who really cared about you. Pastor Fleshman stopped by to pray for me before the surgery. While Mommy was in surgery Daddy waited in the waiting room with Grandma and Grandpa. Everything went fine and they said that I would be back on my feet in a few days.
Uncle Mick and Aunt Therese sent us a very unique and meaningful gift; a baby blanket that can be held and caressed. One we can cry tears into, and one that we can sleep with; a blanket that we will always have to serve as a memento of your brief life. I keep the blanket on our bed between our pillows with a teddy bear that I bought just for you. One night as I was getting ready for bed, I picked up the blanket so that I could turn down the sheets. I was overcome with this feeling that is so hard to explain. As I held the blanket to my chest, I imagined that Jesus let you feel me holding you. Tears streamed done my face. A few moments later, your Daddy walked into the room, I was embarrassed. I wondered what he would think about me holding this blanket as if it were really you. I couldn’t bring myself to let go, so I just turned away and hoped that he would leave. But what he chose to do instead touch my heart in a very special way. He walked up behind me and took me in his arms and wisped in my ear "Can we lay on the bed and hold her together?" It was a very special moment, as we lay facing one another holding your blanket between us. We love and miss you so much.
While, having to say goodbye to you is very hard, we find peace in knowing that you really were a baby, a precious little one from heaven that has now returned to heaven; and we find hope in knowing that one day we will get to meet you face to face. We so look forward to that day, when we can hold you in our arms and kiss your little cheek.
We will cherish you, our little girl, as we would any child, so we have named you "Carina" which means - Precious Little One. We are also having a tree planted in our backyard as a memorial to your precious life, be it only in the womb. You have touched and changed our lives in ways we never imagined, and so we will never forget you, and you will always be a part of our family.
Carina, even though we never got to meet you face to face, we love you with all our hearts, and we don’t want you to think for a minute that we would ever want to trade you for a baby that we could have kept with us longer. It is so hard to say goodbye to you and we miss you so much, but you will always be our first, and you will always be our little girl.
Love,
Mommy & Daddy
used by permission of Rod and Cija Cooksey
Baby Noah Cooksey
