A Letter From Mom
Dear Son,
They were wrong. What they said and did cut you deeply, and rocked your world. To suffer unjustly at the hands of people who are hard and cruel is difficult. It's human to want to even the score, to undo what was done, to hurt them as much as they hurt you.
It's human, but it's wrong.
There is only one way to take the sting away, and to turn what they meant for evil into good - you gotta forgive. Until you do, you will never be free of their control. Impossible? Yea, on your own it is. But, through the grace of God, and with His help, it can be done.
I've walked where you are now walking, and I know that this is hard. May I share with you a few things I've learned on my journey?
Why forgive? We forgive because God requires it of us. We forgive so healing can come. We forgive to keep bitterness at bay. We forgive to break the offender's control. We forgive so we can remember without the sting.
Real Forgiveness is NOT
. . . forgetting. Sometimes that happens, but most times it doesn't especially when the hurt is huge, unfair, and personal.
. . . denying or excusing the behavior of the offender. There are some offenses that it's best to simply overlook, especially if they are unintentional (Proverbs 12:16, Proverbs 19:11). But, there are other offenses that you cannot afford to overlook. Those you need to tackle to the ground. "They meant to hurt me. It was wrong and they knew it was wrong." Brushing it under the rug in NOT the Christian thing to do. Pretending like it didn't happen, doesn't make it so.
Some people don't need a reason to be mean, they just are. You don't have to wonder if they "meant to," because they did. You don't have to wrack your brain to see if you may have missed something, they make it clear that you did NOT. You can't change them; you can only change yourself. That's where you focus.
. . . is not always easy or pain free. Sometimes it is so painful that it feels like someone is ripping your heart out of your chest. If feels like you're going to die from the pain, but you won't. See it through. Don't give up just because it hurts. Deal with it, and the pain will be minimized.
. . . optional, but sometimes reconciliation is. Sometimes the offender refuses to enter into the forgiveness process. Sometimes they refuse to recognize their wrongdoing. Sometimes they walk away and won't come back. Sometimes, even though forgiveness has taken place, they are not safe people to allow back into your life. If you do, you must have strong boundaries in place to protect your heart.
Real Forgiveness IS
. . . a process and often needs to be repeated. Like the layers of an onion, you may discover that once you have taken care of one layer, there are more to come. Sometimes God in His graciousness chooses not to overwhelm us with all of the aspects of our pain at once. Instead, He reveals one piece at a time. As He shows you, you must forgive again, over and over, until the work is done.
. . . honest. It acknowledges the depth of the pain you have experienced. Easy forgive-ism is not forgiveness at all. It's an easy escape that may make you feel good for the moment, but does not heal the wound. Genuine forgiveness comes when you have "embraced the pain, felt the emotions, lived with the fall-out of another's sin, and still you choose to forgive." You refuse to sugar coat it, or minimize it, but instead you look it in the face and say, "Wow, that hurt a lot. What they did was wrong. I choose to forgive."
. . . is consciously releasing the pain to God.
Surrender it to Him. Walk through the offense in God's presence. He knows you through and through. This is not for His sake, it's for your sake. As we wrestle our pain before God, He allows us to see necessary things about ourselves and incredible truths about Him. When you've exhausted the matter, take it to the cross and leave it there. Ask God for a miracle of release.
Choose to forgive. "God, I choose with my will to forgive _________."
Ask God's forgiveness for whatever part you played in the misunderstanding.
Ask forgiveness from the offender for what you have done wrong. "I was wrong for ___________ and ______________. Will you forgive me?"
Ken Sande, in his book The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict says, "Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and He opens the way for a renewed relationship with Him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us: We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the wrongs, and not punish others for them. Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
1. "I will not dwell on this incident."
2. "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."
3. "I will not talk to others about this incident."
4. "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship."
By making and keeping these promises, you can tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to dwell on or brood over the problem or to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he calls us to do for others."
. . . is allowing God to redeem (bring good out of) your difficulty. God allows problems in our lives for a variety of reasons. For certain, pain is His most effective tool in conforming us into the image of His son, Jesus Christ. If you look for Him, you will find Him no matter how ruthless the storm. Regardless of the outcome, your surrender and willingness to forgive will bring added maturity to your walk with God.
. . . is transferring your "right" to get even to God. When you forgive, you no longer look for ways to get even. You let God take care of it as He deems best.
Son, if you don't forgive this will eat you alive. As long as you harbor unforgiveness in your heart, they have a hold on you. Amazing how that works. You will probably never see them again, but they will still control you which, in your case, is what they wanted all along. As long as you will not forgive, they will control your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions. Every moment you think about what they have done, they have control. Forgiveness will release your from the shackles of the past.
You can't forgive an offense of this magnitude on your own (trust me on this one, I've been there more than once). It will require an act of God and an act of your will. At first you may just have to honestly pray, "Lord, help me to be willing to be willing to forgive." The next step is to acknowledge that you need His help, "I can't do this on my own God, but I am willing. Please help me."
Once you have chosen to forgive, there will be moments when the thoughts will return. Resist the temptation to go there. "No. I have given this to God. It is now His responsibility. I will not be consumed by this any longer." Change your focus. With time you will find that their hold on you will be less and less until eventually you can think about it, but the sting will be gone. That's when you will know that you have completely forgiven.
Son, I speak to you from my heart. I held onto bitterness and it nearly consumed me. I hated, I became bitter, and as a result I suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. When I gave it to God, and truly let go, I realized it was a load I wasn't meant to carry. I felt such freedom when I laid it at the feet of Jesus.
What they did was not OK. It hurt horribly. This isn't easy. Face it. Feel it. Forgive it. Release it. Let God deal with them. He knows what's best for you and for them.
I wasted a lot of time holding onto my pain. It wasn't worth that kind of investment.
I love you. You are mine and I am glad!
Momma Ronda
©rknuth, 2007
