Dear Friend,
If you are reading this page, it may be that you've told yourself, "I've had enough. I can't handle the pain anymore. I'd rather die, then face this for another moment." I've been there. So have others that I know. Some have chosen to follow through with their suicide. The pain and the unanswered questions for those who are left behind is enormous. I want to encourage you today - don't give up. The most courageous thing you can do is to ask for help - now. Call a friend, your doctor, a minister - if you have no one you can call, dial 9-1-1. Let someone help you. There are those who care.
GriefShare is a wonderful resource for one who is grieving. The following excerpts from GriefShare e-mails address the issue of how you may be feeling when the pain is overwhelming. Please consider the thoughts shared:
Destructive Choices
"In an effort to escape the pain, we sometimes look for short-term solutions such as alcohol, work, drugs, or sex. These destructive choices have two elements in common:
1.) They prolong the actual grieving process.
2.) They break down the values and priorities that a person had embraced beforehand.
"We call that displacement. . . . We don't face the issue. . . . We don't want to accept the answer 'I am the problem.' So we displace it. We get in alcohol or relationships or drugs or whatever. But that is temporary. It just doesn't do the job." (Dr. Robert Abarno)
A quick fix lasts only a moment, but God is forever. Seek to please the Spirit, and you will move forward in healing.
"The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:8-9)
Heavenly Father, I need to get off this road of destruction and onto the road of life. Lead me there. Amen.
Compulsive Behaviors
A compulsive behavior is an activity you feel compelled to do excessively. You may be willing to submit yourself to anything to escape the pain of grief.
"Compulsive behaviors could be . . . eating, where we just continue to eat and eat and eat. Or we could say that maybe the problem was that I was too heavy, so I'm just not going to eat. It's any kind of behavior where it begins to take control of us. Drinking often is a problem that can occur at this time.
"The person that had a tendency towards any kind of compulsive behavior or addictions . . . we might see this come to the forefront even more so [during grief]." (Dr. H. Norman Wright)
These behaviors may sedate the pain, but they will also hinder your healing. If you are willing to try anything to find true healing, then try a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus. He loves you unconditionally.
"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." (Isaiah 57:18)
Lord Jesus, forgive my past behaviors. I want a fresh start with You. Amen.
Compulsive Behaviors Hinder Healing
Some common compulsive behaviors relating to grief include alcohol, drugs, overeating, not eating, anger, violence, and excessive activity. Seek genuine healing, not Band-Aids.
Compulsive behavior "always offers more than it provides" (Dr. John Trent); therefore, you keep increasing your activity or drug or behavior to find that original satisfaction and comfort, which is now elusive.
"Genuine healing from grief comes not in an artificial climate, which all those are—activity or drugs or whatever, it comes through the reality of knowing Jesus Christ." (Trent)
Honor God with your behavior and know that true satisfaction is found in Him.
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Lord Jesus, I want to know You. Dwell within me as I seek to honor You with my actions and behaviors. Amen.
Tempted to Give Up?
You may feel you would rather escape than endure. But remember, it is always too soon to give up. God sent His angels to rescue Daniel only after he was in the lion's den (Daniel 6:19-21). Paul says God rescued him after he had the "sentence of death" within him (2 Corinthians 1:9 NASB). God rescued Peter from prison the night before he was to be executed (Acts 12:4-11). Even at the last moment, He can rescue you. Never give up.
"With whatever string you can find to hold on to, whatever you know about God [in your heart], hang on to it with everything you have. And then stand back and see His glory." (Janet, her grandfather died)
When it seems like there is nothing left to live for, God will prove Himself true. Focus on Him and do not let your thoughts stray for a moment.
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. . . ." (Habakkuk 3:17-19)
Savior God, I see nothing but darkness, but in this darkness I grasp at a pinpoint of light, which is my knowledge of You. I will hold on to this, Lord, with all the strength I can muster, for You alone are my hope. Amen.
Suicide
One of the most destructive choices you could consider as you deal with grief and loss is the possibility of suicide. Although your motivation may be to end the pain, you will actually inflict a greater pain on those you leave behind.
For those of you who have lost a loved one through suicide, you know firsthand the deep heartache and overwhelming emotions that occur as a result.
"There was pain so deep that I didn't know if I was going to be able to get up sometimes. I was like, 'Lord, I don't think I can go another twenty-five years or however long I may have on this earth. I don't think I can handle this amount of pain.'" (Shelly, her son committed suicide)
"Nobody knows what it is like until you have to go through it." (Katie, her husband committed suicide)
These emotions are normal, but if you actually begin to form a plan to end your life—if you feel it is worthless to continue or that you cannot handle the pain any longer—you need to call your pastor or a doctor immediately. You need professional support for this kind of crisis.
Your friends cannot take the place of professional counselors, but they will be a support for you. Many people love you dearly and would give anything to reach out and help you. Remember, though, that other people cannot know what you are thinking or feeling unless you open up and tell them. Reach out to other people, continue to build relationships, and do not close yourself off. Let people love you even when they don't understand you.
Jesus has promised each one of us hope and healing for the future. You will receive and be reminded of this hope through your relationships with other people as you let God's love flow through them to you. Let God minister His love to you today.
"The Father himself loves you dearly." (John 16:27 NLT)
Holy God, teach me how to love and be loved. Amen.
Cling to God
"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." (Deuteronomy 33:27)
God is a big God. His strength and power are beyond our comprehension. When you feel like it is a major effort to get out of bed and function, when you cannot think straight, when holding on to any kind of hope seems impossible, this is the time to pray and to understand that with God all things are possible.
"How do I cling to God? I cling to God by finding out everything I can about God and then not letting go of it and holding on, if I have to, literally by my fingernails. And knowing that when I hang on by my fingernails, I'm going to feel underneath me the Everlasting Arms, which are going to hold me and sustain me." (Kay Arthur, her husband committed suicide)
When your faith is only the size of a tiny, tiny mustard seed, you can move a large mountain because you believe in the power of God. When you are clinging to the hope of God by the barest tips of your fingernails, you will have underneath you the strong, solid arms of the Almighty God. Why? Because you have chosen to trust in Him. You have chosen to believe. And He will be there to give you strength.
"He replied, 'Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you'" (Matthew 17:20). Even a little faith, when it is in a big God, is sufficient.
Almighty God, I will cling to You with every ounce of strength I have left. Please give me more faith. Amen.
The Lowest Point
"The bottom is a lot deeper than you [would] even think." (Dr. John Trent)
If you feel like these dark days will never pass, we want to assure you that there is hope because of Jesus. He suffered and died and rose again on the third day.
Those early disciples saw Jesus put to death on a cross and were as hopeless as anyone ever was. All their dreams and hopes died with Him. Yet when they saw Jesus alive from the dead, it changed everything.
Even during the heaviest, most hurtful times of your grieving experience, you, too, can share the hope that only Jesus brings.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)
Jesus, my hope is in You. Amen.
God's Blanket of Love
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this violent storm is past. I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill his purpose for me. He will send help from heaven to save me. . . . My God will send forth his unfailing love and faithfulness." (Psalm 57:1-3)
When you are at your lowest point and it seems like no one can reach you, God can. He is there for you, if you will just accept His help.
"God has to be a comfort blanket to each one of us. Until we accept that comfort blanket of God's love, we are going to be struggling or we are going to be hurting. God's comfort blanket just . . . makes us feel so secure and so loved. I think in my own life His comfort blanket has sustained me." (Barbara Johnson)
God's everlasting arms will always be underneath you, upholding you through the pain. His love will always surround you, enveloping you in comfort and security. His wisdom will guide you through each day. Talk to God today. Tell Him that you need His help, His love, His comfort, and His everlasting presence.
"The LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him." (Psalm 32:10)
Saving God, I need Your help. I need to know and experience Your love and comfort in my life today. Thank you for loving me. Amen.
Daily e-mails are available from GriefShare to walk you through the early days of your grief. Sign-up at their site for free and helpful daily e-mails.
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The following quote from John R. Claypool in Tracks of a Fellow Struggler- Living and Growing through Grief By John R. Claypool is good counsel: "(One thing I have found to be of value) is the challenge to go on living even though I have no answer or any complete explanation. The Bible arranges life and thought in just that sequence. First, we are called on to live passionately and openly and then to use our minds to try to understand and interpret what we have experienced. In this way life moves on and whatever insight is possible is born. If we turn the whole process around and try to put understanding before the living of life, however, everything freezes and we become immobilized.
The second thing my Bible and my faith gave me was a stern warning to beware of superficiality and quick labeling, of jumping to the wrong conclusions. If the Bible says anything to us about life, it is that this existence of ours is a deep and complex and mysterious affair. Just as they show only a fraction of themselves above the surface, so events are always more than they appear to be at first glance. More is going on in every moment than meets the eye, and the Bible always cautions us against pronouncing too quickly, "this is all bad"; "this is all good"; "this is hopeless"; "this is the end." . . . the testimony of the Bible slowed me down by saying; "Wait a moment.. You can't always judge an event by its first appearance, any more than you can judge the content of a package by its wrapping. Be patient. Let events run their course. God is not through with anything yet. Who knows what might yet unfold out of all this process?'
My point is that the Bible is right in warning us against living too much on the surface or by appearances only. It reminds us quite explicitly that despair is always presumptuous.. How do we know what lies in the Great Not Yet or how some present "evil" may work itself out as in disguise? "
